Charlton Down Cricket Club

BAE vs Charlton Down – science fiction match report for game ‘played’ on Mon 9 July 2007.

Due to the extreme rainy conditions here on planet earth and the temporary use of the ‘Bellway’ Herrison Oval as a paddy field (to supplement next year’s rice crop), British Aerospace Engineering (BAE) were delighted to offer up and coming side, Charlton Down, a trip in their new prototype space ship (Apollo 111), for the first game to ever be played on the moon!

Captain Andy ‘Neil Armstrong’ Cossens had previously carried out a rigorous selection process to ensure that he had a (half) fit squad to undertake such an arduous trip (“meet health club three days before, at midnight”).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the Charlton Down lads arrived at the “Sea of Tranquillity” cricket ground having been richly entertained on their space flight by social secretary Chris CD, who put on a never to be forgotten competition in weightless marble tossing.

‘Armstrong’ Cossens won the toss as usual due to a well placed bit of moon rock catching the usual 2p piece ‘just right’.

Opening bats ‘Armstrong’ C and boring left hand bat (Smith A), unrecognisable and far more attractive than usual in their super large space suits took guard at the Jupiter and Saturn ends respectively. ‘Armstrong’ C muttered something about ‘one small step for man one giant leap for Charlton Down CC’ as he despatched the first ball over a distant crater for six.

Runs followed apace with ‘Arm C’ reaching his 50 in the space of 5 overs and Smith A getting off the mark with a particularly elegant forward lunge for an all run 7 due to the 1/6 gravity.

In the sixth over disaster stuck with our intrepid openers colliding in mid wicket going for a quick single, (space suits proving just too large to provide an adequate passing space!) which resulted in Smith A being run out.

Enter Chris CD, with his special new grippy space boots for quicker running.

The airless atmosphere led to some incredible shot making, as these two professionals to the score to 100-1 after 10overs, at which point ‘Arm C’ had to retire with his air supply dangerously low due to a leak in the said space suit.

Teacher Frantzen smacked a few, Chris CD proved that running on moon dust wickets is more his thing and the Hon Treasurer found that dutch is very similar to the local Clanger language used by the capacity local crowd – good PR that!

Jonty B, having been able to join the match at the last minute – he diverted his latest business flight to Terminal 2 at the Sea of Tranquility airport - strode in for the last few overs, hit a quick 85 off 10 balls, but found smoking a little difficult with space suit and the airless atmosphere to contend with.

After 20 overs Charlton Down had reach 230 –4 wkts.

Rich Fagence bowled the first over of the BAE innings – straight on the spot -line and length, how does he do it (or did he hitch a lift with those Russians on Sputnik back in 1961 and have the practice in space all those years ago?).

BAE just couldn’t adapt to the conditions, and several departed in the first few overs (7-4 after 3 overs). The only worry for Charlton Down and ‘Arm C’ was a sparkling diving catch from Greg behind the sticks which left the poor chap temporarily in orbit, but fortunately he returned from the dark side of the moon just as the next batsman ‘bounced’ to the wicket.

Zarak was next to bowl and recorded a record speedy delivery of 234 miles per hour in the 1/6 gravity conditions. Mark Holmwood, bowling and fielding as sprightly as ever, got the most moon dust stains on his trousers as he flung himself around the pitch and the craters. BAE were soon all out for a paltry 22, Zarak 3-4, Rich F 3-5, Mark 3-6 and Chris CD and Mr Lingham 1 each (who is Elvis the Clangers said?).

Two points to Charlton Down, although ‘Arm C’ incurred the wrath of the league committee by not phoning the result of the match in quick enough, claiming, limply, that Vodaphone coverage on the Moon was not that great.

Readers (if any have read this far!) will be pleased to note that Apollo 111 landed safely in a Smith A’s garden pond three days later, just in time for the crunch match against Churches.

Patrick Moore (aka Andy Smith)