Charlton Down Cricket Club
As well as Club Captains planning the rest of the 11 man squad had decided that their Prior Preparation and Planning involved Drinking......Alot.....Singing....Loudly and chilli sauce.........Ouch. So at the morning pre match planning session (ie breakfast) it was clear that we were not 100% prepared physically. About half a breakfast per person was eaten and then we looked out the window only to see a deluge of Hampshire rain from high over our heads hit us squarely in the eyes. This was probably a useful thing for Doylie as he could only get 1 contact lens in that morning due to a chilli sauce in the eye from a previous night towel based prank. As we sat the planning think tank decided that there was no way on earth this match would be played and alternative plans were drawn up. All head to tower park in poole for bowling and laser quest , then a few beers and home to bed early....The Planning was coming together (Because the 1 eyed cyclops was not involved). The convoy left and was soon some miles behind me as no one else can keep up with a knackered and bashed white van with a dodgy clutch and very worn brake pads.
Tower Park reached and the sun had come out. Was it enough to change our guaranteed prediction of a called off game .....very unlikely. It was left to Admiral Nelson Doylie to speak to his contact at Swanage. The other 10 downers stood and waited as Doylie was in deep discussion with the opposition contact surely talking up pitch moisture percentages, whether Swanage had a super soaker and the prevailing winds strength and likelihood to assist the Home teams grounds man in trying to get the match on.....the team waited some more.......and some more......then a little while more. Then our very own blind 1 eyed man returned.....the decision "Oh i don't know i've not been able to speak to him....Ive been speaking to the wife for the last 20 minutes" FINE HIM.
As we had heard nothing we assumed, much to our previous predictions that the game must be on. panic set in as all our excellent prior preparation and planning had gone to pot and we now know what that will lead to. The ground was located (About 2/3 of the way home and nowhere near the hotel) and the sun had made himself felt on the blue skies of Swanage.We were pleased to note that the opposition was about 50% 1st and 2nds from their sunday league team, so a higher level than us but at least not against the international team we played against the previous day. Doylie managed to squint at the team sheet long enough to work out a batting order(Largely affected by who was standing up, looking more purple than others and those who had spent 2 of the last 3 hours on the toilet) .
Zim and Marky headed to the middle, Zim then duly laid down for 5 minutes and waited for the home team and mark had a short net (Everything with Mark is short). The 2 approaches both led to some swashbuckling. Well Zim Swashed and Mark buckled, out for 2. Sid hung around for 5 mins before using his perfect vision to completely miss a slow straight delivery and that brought the Ginger prince to the wicket. Nick accumulated while Zim hammered his way past 50 before falling. kim and a 1 eyed steptoe both helped push the score along as nick still accumulated. (Weasly's plan was to go with 10 overs to go only to be faced with the sunday 1st main bowling attack at that exact point. Doylie had had enough of blind cricket leaving Weasly to flick and eventually open his shoulders for a well deserved 50 and Kylie the Rug to play out the last few overs . The touring team finishing on 202 for 6.
With the prospect of 40 overs in the afternoon sun it was clear that last nights beers were having an effect. Fresh from bowling half of the MCC the previous day Merv opened the bowling but Cider seemed to have altered his radar a little. At the other end Chairman Butterworth beguiled the home openers with his variation of pace and spin. Jb had 2 strong LBW appeals turned down and after the 2nd one he decided to remove all toys from his pram. He had the look of a man who was about to walk off the pitch with the ball saying "My ball, my game". It was fair to say the home batting looked strong but some tight bowling by JB, Kim Marky mark and even Ginger meant it was dead level at drinks. At this point though the tour fines session the night before was starting to haunt us. Misfields started creeping in more and more with the pink hat being passed at regular occasions. The hosts looked to be cruising with 12 overs to go and 10 heads were down in the field. Only 1 lone voice wouldn't shut up with his incessant chipper banter and encouragement. On this occasion the other 10 Charlton Down players appreciated Nicks constant talking and to a man raised their game. a wicket a piece from Kim and Zim slowed the rate and suddenly the home side needed 13 from 3 overs, then 10 from 2 and 5 from the last. Mark was left with the task of bowling the final and decisive over. Dot, Dot, single, Dot, single bye........Last ball and the field spread all round the boundary and the bat couldn't connect. single and the Hung over, deflated and downright ill tourists (ish) had won by a single run. Nick may have talked us back into the match but special mention must be made of Doug "Kylie" olivers attempt to save a boundary by stopping the ball just short of the rope before throwing himself into a ditch. Absolute comedy genius.
The tour ended on a high ( and a few tourists still on the toilet) and half the team still had the steam to make it out for a congratulation curry back in Dorch. Stories will be taked of for many years to come and lets see if we all enjoy next years tour where we will be playing Cerne and Plush whilst sleeping in Leeds. Or maybe Merv will be more successful than Captain Cyclops.
Junior Cricket correspondent